#15 – Tormented.
Nikon F90 | Kodak Portra 400
Sometimes when I’m reading, I come across certain words or sentences, lines or paragraphs or stanzas that particularly move me. I often find myself in those moments where I really feel what an author or poet is trying to convey, and the emotion his or her words embody. It’s these magical moments that strike me as so sublime and uncanny – that a total stranger can put into words the thoughts I am unable to articulate. It’s an amazing way of affirming that your personal experiences and emotions aren’t all that taboo, and that you really aren’t alone (cliché as that may be). And that, to me, is so special – especially if said printed words on paper can move me to tears.
It’s not often that my own writing has that effect on me – because the process of composing requires time and thought, and already taps into my emotional chambers. However, with that said, this poem just doesn’t stop making my face wrinkle and my throat tighten. As with all my writing and poetry, I have to read it aloud because rhyme and rhythm are elements that I deem as essential. I imagine if I were to perform this piece, I would gradually pick up pace as I speak;
Tormented
I remember the first time
I caught a glimpse of you from the corner of my eye.
I was feeling nervous, and so scared,
But in my mind I thought to myself,
“Hey, he’s cute.”
Right there was where I stood,
Like a statue, but right at you –
On the opposite side of the counter.
I wish I wasn’t there, but I was relieved at the same time.
Right there was where we ate;
In those seats was where we sat,
Where we watched and where we laughed and
Where we leaned.
Right there was where we walked,
Where we sat down and where we talked –
That was where I couldn’t stop myself from falling;
Over and over.
Right there was where we hooked arms,
Where we held hands and where we were calm;
Where we shared everything,
Including our food.
Right there was where we took that photo,
Where we never wanted to let go.
Where we celebrated and where we made plans together
For the future.
Right there was where we lied under the stars –
Where we drank and where you parked your car.
Where I was convinced by your crocodile tears, those that
I couldn’t bear.
Right there was where I felt safe –
Where I was myself, and where I didn’t have to put on a fake face.
Where I took risks knowing that I
Would be ok.
Right there was where I was scared –
Where I feared for my life and where I cried tears.
Where I sat at a window seat and swallowed my sobs as I
Held onto faith.
Right there was where I was delusional –
Where I saw all sorts of illusions and where I was in denial.
Where I thought to myself, “Maybe
I still have a chance.”
Right there was where I slowed down –
Where I tried to hide and where I fell to the ground.
Where I felt my lungs deflate, and thought,
“Is this fate?”
Right there was where I stood out from the crowd –
Where I was on my knees and where I cried my eyes out.
Where I was sprawled between an illuminated orange road sign and
A glass wall.
Right there was where I wished we had never met – ever.
Where I hoped to wake up with amnesia,
Where I tired to eradicate those memories that made me,
Thinking, “if only.”
Right here is where I feel myself disintegrate –
Where my thoughts consume me and drive me crazy.
Where my optimism is beyond me, and I wonder,
“Is this ‘me’?”
Right now, you could still find me
On the street or in your memory –
Where we whispered secrets, and where there
Was no animosity.
Right now, I could be anywhere – I am somewhere
At the beginning, the middle, or the end;
Where I cannot recognise my surroundings, and I wish I wasn’t here,
But at the same time I am relieved (not really).
I thought I would be ok –
But my stomach knots and churns and
I genuinely feel sick – because this
Is where it hurts the most.
With love,
Emily.