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Nikon F90 | Fujifilm Superia 400

Love, Like This

You could but I couldn’t –

And that’s when it all started

To unfold.

We thought we would –

Elaborate ambitions

Of a far away land,

Of dates you planned.

I imagined we could

Live out these dreams

Each with our best friend.

A toasty burrito

In your embrace,

A muffin,

And a marshmallow face.

But then you quit and I couldn’t

Feel any less

Or comprehend reason.

I did but you didn’t

Have the willpower

To ignite a flame

Or come alive again.

You left – and left me lingering

In the past

You said

You would care no less.

I do but I don’t

Love you

And hate you the same.

I will but I won’t

Wish you were mine again.

I may very well never know what ‘love’ is – what is means or what it constitutes. Like many other things, ‘love’ is one I will never fully understand, but will still try my best to feel my way through.

‘Love’ has always been a concept that perplexes me – obviously something I’ve analysed and considered countless times. It’s ironic because ‘love’ always surrounds us in its many forms, but we don’t realise it a lot of the time. It’s funny because you can’t exactly define ‘love’, and there exists a myriad of interpretations and cultural perceptions. But, although it can be a beautiful thing, of all ambiguous and pretentious institutions, the most controversial one might just be ‘Love’. You really never know – how do you? Can you?

The relationship between ‘love’ and family greatly intrigues me. It’s a given that you ‘love’ your family, right? You were born into this world, cared for by your parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and anyone who picked you up into their arms. You couldn’t speak or understand most things, but you had eyes to see and a heart so you could feel – you probably didn’t even know who these strange people were, or what ‘family’ meant. But, when you were old enough to recognise ‘love’, they were the first people you said you ‘loved’ – regardless of how they looked, how they talked a little too much, how they chewed too loudly, how they would always mispronounce words, or how all these things would annoy you – you would still ‘love’ them unconditionally. You might live across seas or continents from your family, or may have never met them before, but love them you would – because they’re family. You might have new cousins you have never met, but you love them already. You might have distant relatives whom you’ve never seen before, or didn’t even know existed, but you love them. Maybe this is what noble love is?

I wonder why this kind of ‘love’ can’t be omnipresent – if we are all capable of that form of ‘love’, why can’t it transcend all borders? Why do we discriminate? Why do we judge? Why can’t we embrace and overlook flaws? Why can’t we love without barriers? Why don’t we try?

Although, what I know about ‘love’ has now made me a part-time skeptic – and coming from an optimist and someone who’s always able to find silver lining – that’s kind of depressing.

“I don’t know if what we had was love, but if it wasn’t, I hope never to fall in love. Because of you, I know I am too fragile to bear it.”

- An excerpt from ‘For you’ by Lang Leav

I’ve constantly been bombarded by the truth that love is a choice. Whether or not you believe in fate or soul mates, there really is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ – what there is though, is a choice to ‘love’ another for who they are; a choice to make a mutual effort to maintain a relationship (be it friendship, romantic relationships or familial bonds); a choice to fight for something you believe worth keeping – and that belief, or otherwise, is perpetuated by a sprouting thought; a belief you must hold on tight to with utmost willpower.

Someone once told me that, “Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy” (it was a quote from Scrubs). I’ve always remembered this ever since, simply because it emphasises an existential fact – that giving up or making excuses, or taking the easy way out will cause you to lose the people or things that were/are/could be valuable or important to you.

I’m also aware and invested in the idea that a person should love him- or herself first before they can commit to loving others – to be comfortable being alone (not lonely) and independent; to have the ability to find intrinsic happiness that stems from within. Your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on someone else. Like ‘love’, I believe happiness is also a choice. It’s your choice to be happy, by making decisions and having a mindset that will beget happy thoughts and therefore ideas. A very wise fortune cookie once told me,

“Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.”

And of course this process was never meant to be easy or happen in an instant – you always hear people mention ‘the pursuit of happiness’ – but that doesn’t deter them from their so-called search. It seems like happiness and love have become the ultimate goals in life; the purpose in which we live for (in some cases people aim to be rich and famous which probably brings them happiness, so I guess that’s the same).

Choice

If I were to choose one thing never to lose again,

Above anything else,

I would choose myself.

(Then choose you – who knows)

I guess what I’m trying to put forward is this: Love (and happiness) can be simple, but not easy – much like how you can set out certain steps in achieving something, but it doesn’t mean these steps will be easy to accomplish. Or, like how you know where you want to be, but you don’t know how to get there.

There’s a certain saying that I have come to believe in:

“Let Live, Let Love.”

I’m not sure if I heard this from somewhere or someone, or conjured it up on my own because of my tendency to alliterate – but either way it has stuck with me (you may remember I ended off my first post with this quote). Initially, I liked it because it was catchy. It wasn’t until sometime last year that I realised what it really meant to me: that I should let life be, and simply let love be. I was reminded to let nature take it’s course, to let life unfold, and to let things be. It cemented the idea that some things can’t be forced, and that I should stop trying too hard (because let’s be honest – I always try too hard). Life, love, and happiness – they shouldn’t have to be too complicated, but that’s not saying you can avoid trying or making a conscious effort all together.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

- William Shakespeare, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’

With love also comes loss in one of its various forms – it could be gradually drifting apart, a sudden halt, or the eventual “till death do us part”. Loss never is pleasant or easy, but acceptance comes eventually and there is always hope. Another wise fortune cookie has also told me that,

“What appeared to be a loss will turn out in your favour.”

You must be thinking, “Did she really get these fortunes from cookies?”

To that I say, “Yes. Yes I did.”

I still have these fortunes on paper as proof – it really did happen. Twice. I know, pretty amazing. 

I’ve recently been introduced to the wonderful world of spoken word poetry, and this poem in particular really touched me with its resounding relevance. If you’re like me and get hooked onto wanting to watch more, make sure you check out more of Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye’s work, as well as Harry Baker (he’s got a mathematics degree, writes poetry, and he’s so funny)! Or, if you had to pick just one to watch, you need to watch this one.

Finally, I hope my scattered thoughts are somewhat comprehensible and this post wasn’t too much of a torture to read. Thank you for appreciating my thoughts and opinions for what they are – it’s totally subjective and is in no way factual or should it be taken as a generalisation of what other people think.

Thank you for stopping by xx

L’amour, ça fait faire de grandes choses

With love,

Emily.

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Nikon F90 | Fujifilm Superia 400

As procrastination has overcome me this afternoon as I sit in the dimly lit corner of my favourite café, I am thinking about thoughts – quite literally. Thoughts.

Why do we develop ideas? Why do we think our thoughts? Why do we have the capacity to feel?

People say that, “Oh, it’s innately human,” or “it’s the human condition” – but aren’t those just human constructs? Social – even cultural constructs? They sound like an easy way to escape confrontation and pacify our ‘human’ desire to seek out reason. It’s the same with language – the language we use to communicate is a human construct – words and concepts coined and defined to suit our context; cater to our needs; and explain phenomena. (And yes – it’s ironic because I’m using written language to convey my message.) Then if ‘human construct’ is also a human construct, what exactly isn’t manmade?

Our ideas – Who? What? When? Why? How?

Does it hurt because you think it hurts? Is it hard because you think it’s hard? Does it seem impossible because you think it is? Does it make you happy because you think it does? Does the future seem bleak because you think of it as such? Do you not feel anything because you think you don’t?

Thoughts are dangerous things – yet sometimes, dangerously beautiful. Thoughts perpetuate ideas; imagination can beget an unsuspecting desire; a fleeting hypothesis can translate into the most stubborn of beliefs. In this sense, we all have control over our ideas, do we not?

I’ve been of the belief that as long as one possesses the willpower, there’s nothing that’s out of the question. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”, right? As long as you set your mind to it, as long as you’re determined, as long as you’re willing to persevere and remain steadfast – insofar “the sky’s the limit”. Yet, this isn’t always the case.

Although our thoughts can be helped (most of the time), they are susceptible to ‘feelings’ – emotional urges or reactions – and feelings can’t be helped (again, most of the time, at least in my opinion). Sometimes it’s a strong hunch, or a lingering intuition – just an inexplicable feeling about something or someone. It’s the classic case of thinking you know something, but having no basis of justification; when you think it’s a certain way but you don’t actually know the truth or you can’t say for sure – you can’t exactly reason with ‘feelings’.

The essence is aptly encapsulated in this quote,

“The heart has its reason of which reason knows nothing.” – Blaise Pascal 

With that said, every action is loaded with intention – nothing you say or do is without motive – either consciously or subconsciously, whether you realise it or not. Be cautious with your thoughts, with your ideas, with your words, and with your actions – but never close your heart off from ‘feelings’. I’ve come to realise that although it pains me and often puts me at a disadvantage, my capacity to love and care (or tendency to be nosey) is a blessing in disguise.  

Borrowing the words of Marlee Banta (@marleemeghanbanta on instagram),

“I know the curses and blessings of feeling everything so incredibly deeply.”

And finally, after stringing together my disjointed thoughts into proper sentences, I decide to look up the meaning of ‘thought’ in the Oxford Dictionary of English:

Thought [n.] :- An idea or opinion produced by thinking, or occurring suddenly in the mind.

I guess my mind isn’t so mad after all.

With love,

Emily.