Photo by Jenny Lam
One year has changed my life more than three years ever could.
It’s always a bittersweet kind of nostalgia as yet another year comes to a close. It’s the point when you really feel the culmination of 365 days, and for some reason the year has brushed past you like a summer breeze.
The cliché would be to say, “2015 was good, and here’s hoping for an even better 2016” – or something along those lines. But in truth, it’s just nothing like that for me this time. Rather, to sum it up, I have mixed emotions leaving the past year and entering into the next.
To say that 2015 was arduous is a massive understatement – and those who have seen me through the past year know that I have stressed this point too many times. They also know first hand how weary I have grown, and just how much my being has crumbled; and I continue to fall victim to my own weakness as I try to piece together the truth and make peace with reality and myself.
Around a year and a month ago, I met the love of my life (yes, go on – say what you may), and since then I have been unlearning things about myself and the world I perceive. It would be unrealistic to say that I haven’t changed – but if I have, it hasn’t been much. My circumstances have changed more than anything.
As with any other year, 2015 has also had its highlights – and so many ‘firsts’. In many ways I am extremely proud of my achievements (although not many) and the milestones I have reached – but largely disappointed in the choices I’ve made and hence the consequences that I’ve had to face. However, above all, I have been amazed by my strength. And although I have had to act against what I’ve stood for, I’ve mustered every bit of strength to endure the pain that is continually inflicted upon me. My experiences have both weakened and strengthened me – and there’s the irony.
I am most thankful for the people who have brought me happiness and helped me get through 2015 – friends who have stuck around, new friends whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, friends near and far, even strangers and acquaintances. Recycling words from one of my Instagram captions: I would not have survived 2015 without the most understanding family and friends – for holding me when I couldn’t stop crying; for countless pep talks and advice; for feeling indignant on my behalf; for putting up with the sadder side of me – and the odd stranger or acquaintance for outfit compliments and just making my day in small ways. It’s all in the little things – and believe me when I say I am infinitely grateful to everyone who has helped me pull through. Thank you for affirming my strength and giving me strength.
I know very well that everything I have here is on the Internet and open for everyone and anyone to see. From the get go I knew that Noise and Nuance wasn’t just going to be a straightforward portfolio for my photographs and poetry – no. Each image and carefully selected word would give you insight into my life. It was always going to be personal – everything has its nuance. My feelings are transparent through my words, and I make myself vulnerable by putting everything out there, but I have nothing to be ashamed of. You might be a friend of mine, or a friend of a friend, or we might have six degrees of separation between us – regardless, I thank you for taking time to read my words.
They say that a picture speaks a thousand words – and I think that’s because a picture speaks a few words to each person – everyone will have their own interpretation. The same applies to my poems and my photographs. Of course they’re open to interpretation and could entail a myriad of meanings. You might read it differently from what I intended it to mean, or I may have left it open-ended. The thing with pictures is that you only see the final image – what’s on the surface. You rarely see the build up of paint strokes that have taken to achieve the final effect, am I right? You might read my words and not understand the backstory or know any context – but it still might resonate with you in a different situation. My point basically is that there is no concrete answer or fixed meaning, and therefore there should not be assumptions. But I digress.
As I leave the past year with a heavy heart, I know with certainty that any year that comes at me now will be infinitely better than 2015. Thank you for your lemons 2015 (not really), but I really would love some oranges now. I know I still have so much to learn, so much maturing to do, and still the world for me to see. The road ahead still holds hope for me, and I will continue to hold tight to faith. Despite everything that has happened, I thank the universe for looking after me in the smallest and kindest of ways – for letting me know that my faith, heart and goodwill have not gone to waste (and have become good karma). I might be scarred, but I still choose to be optimistic and hopeful (or naïve and gullible).
I can never be ready for what comes my way –
All I can do is take it day by day.
Hello, 2016. Please, please be good xx.
With love,
Emily.